don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
