i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
