He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
