It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize