Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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