you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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