Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Enjoy the penises
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
