two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
