I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
porn star boner night. come get it.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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