ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
