he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
