I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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