tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
