well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
