Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
