my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
