Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
