I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
