My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
