I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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