4 words: hood of his car
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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