I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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