Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
