Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
