DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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