My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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