i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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