then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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