i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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