Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
