i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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