ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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