My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
