Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Randomize
