i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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