If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
