Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize