I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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