I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
