so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
