I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
