There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
