dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
