I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize