I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
