god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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