Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
