If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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