He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
