Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
