i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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