i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Sext me about skeletons
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
