I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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