I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize