I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize