look no pants
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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