I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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