Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
