Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
