if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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