my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
