im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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