how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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