Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
