I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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