apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
