Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
