Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
