ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
