I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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