no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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