I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
