One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
