Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
