Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
