She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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