we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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